Heir Apparent

A satirical take on the question of a successor to President Mwanawasa....


Heir Apparent By Kalaki
POST Thursday January 10, 2008


It was late morning, and the queen was already munching her way through the huge breakfast that had been set before her.
Such is the sumptuous lifestyle in the Royal Suite of Bowa Lodge, in the Kingdom of Mfuwe, where all the elephants congregate for the Christmas Pagan Festival.
Suddenly there was a great clatter as a coffee table went flying, and in blundered the Great Elephant Muwelewele, King of Mfuwe. 'Wot's for blekfust?' he squealed, as he plonked himself onto a huge wooden chair that groaned and creaked under his enormous weight.
The Queen looked at him severely. 'You've got your shoes on the wrong feet again, and your trousers are back to front. Have you done your exercises? Has the nurse taken your blood pressure? Have you given her a sample of your…?'
'Good morning dear,' said the king. 'How are you this morning? I trust you're feeling well! No sign, I hope, of your usual nagging indigestion that can make you so irritable, and even, if I may say so, a bit irritating…'
'Its your health that's the worry, not mine,' snapped the queen. 'Justswallow your pills while I'm watching, and don't try to hide any in your trunk..'
'Huh,' said the king, 'they tastehorrible and make me drowsy.'
'Its all for your own good,' snapped the queen. 'You're much moremanageable when you're drowsy!'
'Let's not quarrel over a few pills,' pleaded the king, as he stretchedforward to grab a large bunch of grapes. 'Let's just enjoy being king and queen, swallow this great feast, and discuss affairs of state.'
'Affairs of state!' shrieked the queen. 'Since when have you been interested in affairs of state? What do you want to discuss? The price of electricity? The plight of the poor? The massacres in Kenya?'
'I was thinking of my succession,' replied the king haughtily. 'Who is going to succeed me when I come to the end of my second term?
As the king, I have to think ahead to the time when the nation will no longer be in my safe hands. The nation must not be left leaderless, like a ship without a captain in stormy waters…'
'Yeah,' sneered the queen. 'The Chinese pirates might come on board.' 'Exactly,' said the king. 'I must groom my successor, find my heir apparent, secure the future, make a decision…'
'You!' scoffed the queen. 'Since when did you manage to make a decision! Its me who makes all the decisions round here! You can't even decide whether to get out of bed in the morning!
You're only raising this succession question to toy with your hapless ministers, as they kneel before you, hugging your knees and kissing your boots, each thinking he must be the chosen one! Which one would you pick?'
'Perhaps I should pick somebody entirely ridiculous,' laughed the king, 'just to show my power to bestow power, whether the people like it or not. For instance, what about Crocodile Ng'andu?'
'You can't have him,' laughed the queen. 'His horrible teeth frighten people dreadfully. He rips the flesh from the poor to feed to the rich!' 'What about the knock-kneed giraffe?'
'You fell out with him when he refused to kneel down before you!''That's right!' laughed the king. 'He had arthritis in his knees, poor fellow! Then what about Mulomo Kolwe?'
'There's nothing there!' laughed the queen. 'Just a flapping lip without any brain tocontrol it.'
'Talking of lips, perhaps I should let loose the red-lipped snake?'
'He could turn and bite you!' 'So none of them is suitable,' sighed the king.
'Of course they're not suitable,' laughed the queen. 'That's why you chose them as your ministers!''Did I?' wondered the king. 'Perhaps you're right.'
'Of course I'm right,' cackled the queen, choking on her banana. 'We always chose people with a dubious past, so that if any of them dared to challenge you, you could just expose their past dealings.'
'Quite right!' shouted the king, as he banged the table with legal enthusiasm. 'The law must follow them! I have always believed in the rule of law when dealing with my enemies!'
'And what's worse,' the queen continued, 'they all know too much about you. If any one of them became the next king, they could easily destroy your place in history, and instead ensure your place in the magistrate's court.'
'Surely,' exclaimed the king, 'none of them could be so ungrateful.''You'd be surprised what some people can do,' said the queen grimly.'Oh My God! Then who can we choose?'
'I have come to a decision,' said the queen.
'Oh good,' said the king. 'Who?''Me,' said the queen.'Why you?' asked the king.
'Because I'm the one who's always been in charge.''So you're going for the third term?''Exactly,' she replied.
'And what shall I do?' wondered the king.
'Just keep taking your pills,' she said, 'and you can be my queen.'